Shades
by MillyAshfordFan
Summary: Lelouch takes many shapes: a haughty bird, a femme fatale, a lethal snake, a familiar face — the possibilities are endless.  But does he even remember his true form?  Is Suzaku holding onto something transient?  WIP
1. A Filthy Creature

**Shades**

**Chapter 1: A Filthy Creature**

**Warning(s): Explicit M/M and M/F**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Code Geass**

* * *

><p>He rubs his thumbs against her hard nipples. She laughs.<p>

Suzaku's eyes snap up. "What?" he asks.

She says nothing, pressing her lips against his; they are full, lush. Suzaku kisses back and feels the edge of a smirk. Kisses harder. No more smirk. He runs his fingers through her hair. It is soft and silky just like before, but it cascades down her back now. He is reminded of midnight-colored feathers.

The light illuminates the curve of her ass and the points of her breasts, turning her pale skin nearly incandescent. And then there are the boots. She is completely naked except for them. They reach up to her thighs, black and polished, juxtaposed against white, making prints on the sheets.

(Suzaku will not be the one washing those sheets. No siree.)

She pulls back, her lips starkly red, and Suzaku vaguely wonders if she put on lipstick beforehand or if she gave herself that color, like she gave herself rosy cheeks and long eyelashes.

The smirk is back again — more insolent than before.

"Do you prefer me like this?" she asks, voice sultry, eyes narrowed into slivers of violet.

"It's…different," Suzaku admits.

"Is that bad?" She bites the junction of his neck and shoulder. Suzaku gasps. Fists the sheets. "Or good?" Her words slither out in a purr.

"D-different."

There is a moment (albeit a brief moment) where she simply stares at him, pensive. She is kneeling on the sheets, her palms pressed against one another as if to pray. Her eyes are wide, and her lips are pursed. For a second, she is hallowed and pious, and Suzaku can just imagine her head bowed before a stained glass window, her face positively luminous.

…The only things ruining that image are her nudity and the dominatrix boots.

Then, she is pressing her hands against his shoulders and crawling into his lap, and piety is the last thing on Suzaku's mind.

"Ah, _fuck_."

She is grinding against him. Her eyes are devious. Her lips are devilish.

Her mouth on his is absolutely _wicked_.

Suzaku is so goddamned hard, and he grinds his clothed erection against soft skin. It is strange not feel the familiar bulge pressing against him. In fact, he is not used to this body at all. He gropes for straight lines, and his hands meet indents and contours. Parts that used to be angular and sharp are now supple and smooth.

"Touch me."

She tries to keep a domineering edge, but Suzaku can hear the desperation in that command. But he is more than happy to oblige, stretching out his arm to wrap his hand around —

Oh. Shit.

She looks thoroughly unimpressed, both eyebrows raised. "Would it be easier if I grew a cock?"

Suzaku flushes. "No," he says. "I've got this."_ I've got this._ Jesus, he sounds like he's at his job. Well, (s)he and his work both contribute to his sleeplessness.

When Suzaku parts the folds of skin, he can feel that she's already wet. Very wet. He traces her labia, feeling the moisture on his fingers, but she has no patience for that. She grabs hold of his wrist and presses his index finger against her clit.

"Rub," she says.

And Suzaku rubs. The angle is kind of awkward with his wrist bent up and her on top of him, so he flips her over in a swift motion. She opens her mouth to protest but shuts it when he begins to rub again. She's not moaning, though. God, he thinks, maybe a cock would have been easier. Maybe…

His thoughts and worries are interrupted by the disproportionately loud sound of his pants being unzipped. Pants come down. Then boxers. She is staring straight at him.

"Um." Suzaku fumbles. "Should I…?"

"What do _you_ think?"

Her tone is haughty and frantic, conceited and anxious, and Suzaku thinks it would be best if he just stops thinking right now.

So, he goes on instinct, pressing his cock inside of her. He grunts. She laughs breathlessly, wrapping her legs around his waist.

Suzaku has never been inside a woman before, but he knows it is not normal to be this tight. Probably did it on purpose, he thinks. Everything is on purpose.

"Suzaku, move. Now."

He doesn't need to be told twice.

At first, Suzaku is afraid he will come too quickly because it's so tight and hot, and she's clenching around him damnit, but he manages to maintain a rhythm. He keeps his thrusts slow and measured. She is not satisfied.

"Harder."

So, he pounds her into the mattress, willing himself not to come. It's near painful, but she's noisier because of it. She moans, and the leather of the boots is chafing his skin, but it does not matter. He thrusts harder and harder into her, watching as those ruby-red lips fall open in an 'o.' Her moans crescendo.

"oh. Oh. Oh! _Yes_."

He kisses her, swallowing up each one of her "ohs." Her eyes are glossy, and those boots are making his skin hot. It feels like there is enough friction to make a fire. He knows he will be wearing red tribal bands in the morning.

"Fuck. Oh, ah, hah, fuck."

When Suzaku comes, his body shudders, and he curses and groans.

When she comes, her body arches off the bed, breasts rising, arms jerking, eyelashes fluttering, sweat pearling on her forehead, her boots digging painfully into his sides, mouth moaning, and those violet eyes swimming on cloud nine.

(Complete rapture.)

That cannot be on purpose.

* * *

><p>Suzaku awakens to the sun in his eyes and the feeling of an erection pressing against the small of his back. His first thoughts of the morning are 1) he should have closed the blinds before hitting the hay, and 2) why the hell does Lelouch <em>always<em> get morning wood?

Suzaku turns around under the sheets to see Lelouch sleeping soundly. He looks much more innocent in a state of unconsciousness, his expression peaceful and guileless and so much unlike his wakeful form.

Strands of black hair hang in his face, and Suzaku has a sudden urge to brush them away, but that would stir Lelouch into consciousness. The cogs would begin whirring in his mind, his eyes would narrow, and his mouth would twist into a smirk. Suzaku wants to savor this slumber-induced pseudo-innocence – if only for a little longer.

Suzaku sighs and continues to gaze at him. Lelouch's face is sharp and angular once again, but it is no less pretty. Still elegant and fair. In some ways, it is very similar to the face last night.

It's the body that's different.

When Suzaku gently lifts the sheets off them, he is greeted to the sight of Lelouch's flat chest and his hard cock jutting between his thighs. Suzaku can only shake his head in wonderment. Lelouch looks like the stereotypical young man having a "pleasant" dream (sans the thigh-high dominatrix boots) — not some powerful being with the ability to metamorphose into anything his heart desires. He shows no sign of being buxom and curvaceous only a few hours ago. He is slender and very much male.

Suzaku just can't wrap his head around it. He doesn't think he ever will.

And it isn't as if Suzaku hasn't seen his fair share of strange phenomena. Along with the dying and misery, there are always the outliers that give people hope, the dark horses who resurrect from the dead and have their stories told in those Chicken Soup for the Soul books. He sees it at least a few times a month, and it helps him forget about the body bags. Fleetingly.

But, in the end, all those rarities make sense to some degree. There is no such thing as miracles – only good luck and bad. Lelouch, on the other hand, defies fortune, defies science, and defies reason.

Lelouch's vagina should be where his cock is. It should be there because Suzaku remembers it around him last night, impossibly tight and hot. He remembers coming inside, filling Lelouch. Where could it have gone?

Lelouch does not move a muscle when Suzaku lays a hand on his thigh. He continues to snore softly, and Suzaku becomes more daring. He raises his hand to Lelouch's pelvis, tracing his inner thighs and running his fingers through the curls of his pubic hair. Lelouch does not stir.

He does not stir even when Suzaku's hand trails over his cock and sac. Not even a subconscious shiver of pleasure. Suzaku spreads apart his ass and begins to prod his hole, searching, probing.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Suzaku's head snaps up in alarm. Lelouch is staring at him, eyes narrowed, and Suzaku realizes how weird this must look. "Searching for my come" would be the truthful response, but he can't bring himself to say it.

"Um." Suzaku blushes and withdraws his hand. "It's just…I have a question."

"Oh?" Lelouch's displeasure immediately vanishes from his face, and he sits up, his lips curling into a smirk. "I may or may not have an answer."

Suzaku relaxes into a smile at the fact that he successfully managed to redirect the conversation. "I was just wondering if your true form is male or female," he says.

For a moment, Lelouch looks to be deep in thought, his eyebrows furrowed and his hand pressed against his chin like The Thinker. Several minutes seem to tick by, and Suzaku waits with bated breath.

Then, "I don't remember."

Suzaku's eyebrows shoot up in incredulity. "You don't _remember_?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," Lelouch says, the smirk reappearing as he stretches his arms over his head. "However, I am very much a man at the moment." He gives a little pelvic thrust to emphasize his point.

Suzaku would protest such an insufficient answer if he knew any good would come from him, but he knows from experience that Lelouch is far from forthcoming. So, he sighs and rolls his eyes and wraps his hand around Lelouch's cock.

"You seriously don't remember?"

Lelouch smiles brightly. "It's the unfortunate truth."

It does not take long for him to come. Lelouch groans and thrashes about, making more boot prints on the already filthy streets. Suzaku wipes his hand off with a tissue, and Lelouch grins lazily like a fat cat.

"Would you like me to make you breakfast?" he asks.

"I was planning on going for a walk this morning," Suzaku says.

Lelouch's fat cat-grin widens. "_Walk?_ You mean wander about aimlessly?"

Suzaku frowns. If anything, Lelouch should be thankful for his walks. "I just want to get some exercise in before I go to the hospital," he says.

Lelouch nods. "Fine, but at least let me make you breakfast."

He rises from bed before Suzaku can respond, and Suzaku has no choice but to follow. By the time he enters the kitchen, Lelouch is already rifling through his refrigerator, completely naked save for those ridiculous boots.

"What would you like?" Lelouch asks.

"Eggs."

Lelouch opens the egg carton. "You're all out," he says.

"Lay me one."

The egg carton misses Suzaku's face by a mere inch. Surprisingly good aim.

* * *

><p>It all began when Suzaku found a little raven with a broken wing.<p>

The morning was frigid. Suzaku's hands were shoved in his pockets, and he could see his breath in the air like a mist. He could not feel his nose. Still, he pressed on. Weekend walks were a ritual of his and taking one off seemed dishonest somehow.

Cigarette butts crunched underneath his feet like new fallen snow, and people zipped past him. These people wore scarves and long coats, and they rarely bothered to look at him. However, Suzaku did not feel offended. They had places to be. No time for distractions.

Suzaku's mornings, on the other hand, were made of distractions: watching for birds in the gray sky, noticing the dull gleam of the skyscrapers, attempting to decipher graffiti.

Perhaps that was how he noticed the scuffle in the alleyway.

Suzaku had never thought a "meow" could be pugnacious until that day, but the cat backing the bird against the trashcan practically had a war cry. Its teeth were bared like a wolf, and it hissed malevolently at its prey. The bird flapped its wings uselessly, never rising from the pavement.

In most cases, Suzaku might have observed the scene for a few more moments and gone on his way. In fact, that's probably what he should have done, but something stopped him, caused him to pause.

The cat was not a typical stray. It was not skeletal and scrawny with ravenous eyes and overgrown claws. No, it was plump and pearl-white and, in all likelihood, a purebred. It possessed a fluffy and clean coat, appearing to have wandered outside by choice rather than abandoned by its owner.

It also took its sweet time with the bird. Rather than pouncing and killing it in a single stroke, it did pirouettes around it, paws swiping the air and just missing wings. It was tormenting the bird, Suzaku realized. Taunting it.

Suzaku had always hated it when the strong picked on the weak. If the cat had merely been a scrawny stray looking for a quick meal, then it would have been a completely different matter. This cat, however, was being a bully.

"Shoo," said Suzaku.

The alley smelled putrid and rank, and the cat turned around and shot Suzaku a look of complete disdain when it saw him. The bird hobbled a few steps back. Suzaku knelt beside the two animals.

"Shoo," he said again, looking the cat in the eye.

The cat regarded Suzaku levelly and then took a step toward him. Suzaku smiled in a way that he hoped was disarming and extended his hand, palm up, an olive branch.

Then, the cat bit him.

It slinked away just as the blood began to trickle down Suzaku's wrist, tail swishing in a sort of "talk to the hand" motion. Suzaku winced, wiped the blood on his shirt (it was worn out, fortunately), and looked down to see the bird staring at him.

"I'm not very good with cats," Suzaku said by way of explanation.

The bird cocked its head to the side. It was a small bird, but it had a thick neck and shaggy throat feathers. Every feature of it was black — black eyes, black legs, black beak, and feathers the color of a midnight sky.

Suzaku knew it was inevitable that the bird would face trouble again in its crippled state. It couldn't fly, and there was a good chance that another cat would come along again. For a minute, the bird regarded Suzaku before turning around and tottering away, its lame wing flapping uselessly.

"Wait," said Suzaku.

Astonishingly, the bird halted, as if heeding Suzaku's command. A silly thought. It had probably just been scared still by his voice. Still, Suzaku kept talking.

"I can fix your wing," Suzaku said.

The bird turned around and cocked its head to the side once again.

"That way you can fly again," Suzaku said.

Suzaku extended his hand, palm up, an olive branch. He smiled a disarming smile. The bird regarded him levelly.

Then, the bird hobbled a few steps and perched itself on the outstretched hand.

The bird resembled a raven, and Suzaku remembered reading something about ravens being intelligent birds. That was the reason why it responded to Suzaku's voice. That was why it stared at him with such sharp, bright eyes.

That was what Suzaku had thought at the time.

* * *

><p>His eyes felt like they had been sealed shut with a hot glue gun.<p>

"Rise and shine, beautiful."

Suzaku slowly cracked one eye open and then the other. All too soon it came rushing back: the tang of anesthetic, the stench of the sickly, and now bright blue eyes staring down at him.

Sleep called out to him like a siren song.

But Suzaku couldn't sleep. Duty called. "How long was I out?"

There was a crick in the back of Suzaku's neck, and he could feel dried drool pasted on his face. It had to have been at least a half an hour.

"Um." Gino glanced down at his wristwatch. "About two minutes."

"Jesus," Suzaku said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Seriously?" Gino had the sense to realize that was a rhetorical question, but he wasted no time shoving a clipboard and folders into Suzaku's hands.

"Meds and stitches. You think you can handle it?" His voice was too cheerful. Much too cheerful. Suzaku looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

"What are you on?" Suzaku asked. He meant for the question to sound teasing, but it came out acerbic.

Gino's eyes widened. "What?"

"Are you taking drugs or something?"

Gino laughed. "Nope," he said, grinning, "as a matter of fact, I am not taking any artificial stimulants. Gino Weinberg is _au naturel_."

Suzaku sighed, rolled his eyes, tucked the files under his arm, and stood up. He looked at the overhead clock. Only six more hours till break.

* * *

><p>The problem was that, although the patients Suzaku encountered were kind-hearted and appreciative, they were also rapacious soul-sucking monsters that had converted him into the living dead. The only thing that differentiated him from a bona fide zombie was the fact that he didn't eat human brains, but he couldn't do that even if he wanted to because he wasn't allowed to pick people's heads. Yet.<p>

As far as Suzaku was concerned, there was no known anecdote to the zombification of the hospital's residents. They knocked back cups of coffee by the hundreds and swallowed energy pills like candy but to no avail. Kallen struggled through it, continuing to glower at people even with bags under her eyes. Nina shouldered it with a grim acceptance. Gino seemed completely immune to it, which was why Suzaku suspected he was on some kind of drug. That was the only explanation.

The hospital had a "see one, do one, teach one" rule, meaning residents were expected to watch procedures, do the same procedures, and then teach others the procedures they learned by example. While the idea looked good on paper, it turned into a convoluted child's game of "telephone" in the real world. This is how you do the operation. This is why you do the operation. This is why you do the penguin. Yeah.

Luckily, stitches were easy enough, but, as it turned out, the man who supposedly needed stitches actually needed a liver transplant. Gino had mixed up the patient files. Yet again. Wasted twenty minutes looking for Stitches-Man. Administered meds. Gave a prognosis. Made an incision in the wrong place. More stitches. Another prognosis. Watched a man die on the operating table. Prognosis – was that his fiftieth of the day? Felt like it. Looked up at the clock. 12:30.

Break.

* * *

><p>"I heard someone has a new roomie."<p>

Suzaku looked up from his dressing-less salad. Kallen turned toward Gino, confused.

"Suzaku?" she asked.

Gino nodded. "Yup," he said, taking a bite out of his sandwich.

Immediately, Kallen's eyebrows furrowed, and her mouth twisted into a frown. "Why didn't I hear about this?" she demanded, slapping her hand against the table, shooting Suzaku a death glare.

Probably because Suzaku wasn't actually aware he had a roommate. Before he could respond, Gino started up again.

"He's tall, dark, and handsome," Gino said, gesticulating wildly. "He's the muse of Edgar Allen Poe. He soars through the sk—"

"He's a bird," Suzaku said, cutting him off. "A raven, I think."

"A bird?" Kallen looked perplexed. Suzaku didn't blame her. Gino just kept going.

"You know," Gino said, "a warm-blooded vertebrate – has wings and a beak, covered with feathers, lays e—"

"I know that," Kallen snapped, cutting Gino off. "What I want to know is why Suzaku's housing one. Isn't a raven a wild bird?" She turned her full attention to Suzaku. "Are you keeping it as a pet or something?"

Suzaku stifled a sigh. He regretted revealing this tidbit of information to Gino. The guy wasn't exactly great at keeping his mouth shut, and Suzaku didn't need the hospital staff thinking he took in wild birds. For that matter, Suzaku wasn't entirely sure why or when he would have mentioned his newfound avian companion to Gino in the first place. Maybe he was experiencing a second-hand effect to anesthesia.

"No," Suzaku said, slightly weary. "I'm not. I found him near my apartment, and he had a broken wing. I'm taking care of him until it mends. Then, I'll set him free."

"I wouldn't take care of a raven if I were you."

Suzaku blinked and directed his attention to the far end of the table. Those words had been uttered in the soft voice of Nina Einstein, who was currently swirling her spork around in her fruit cup, eyes glued to the table.

Suzaku did not know much about Nina. Truthfully, he really only knew four things about her: 1) she apparently received a scholarship to some prestigious university in Pendragon as an undergrad student, 2) she religiously brought a fruit cup to work every day, 3) she sat as far away as possible from him during their breaks, and 4) she was constantly dropping papers in front of the pretty nurse, Euphemia, and Euphemia was always the one to bend over to pick them up.

(And God, she always smiled so sweetly, her starched skirt riding up, revealing smooth white thighs, and he could never quite catch a glimpse, but he imagined they would be lacey. And pink just like her hair.)

Needless to say, Suzaku rarely spoke to Nina. She was obviously more knowledgeable than he, and she might have been able to help him out, but she seemed rather…unapproachable. But that didn't mean he wasn't interested in what she had to say.

"What do you mean?" Suzaku asked. He tried to sound as pleasantly curious as possible; Nina still wouldn't look up. She spoke as if in a trance.

"Ravens," she murmured, "are vectors for several diseases. They are infested with parasites, and much of their sustenance comes from carrions — the rotting flesh of dead animals." Nina finally looked up, but she did not meet Suzaku's gaze. "They are altogether filthy creatures."

Suzaku swallowed. "I…I didn't know that," he said.

"Well." Nina stood up and threw her fruit cup away. "You'll see soon enough."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>I've seen a lot of fanfics with Lelouch as different creatures, so I decided to try writing a shapeshifter!Lelouch fic. I'm very excited! :)

Thanks for reading, and reviews are loved! :)


	2. Mother Hen

**Shades**

**Chapter 2: Mother Hen**

* * *

><p>When Suzaku finally arrived at his apartment, the raven was perched on the windowsill, staring out at the skyscrapers. Suzaku had wrapped a sterile bandage over his lame wing, so it couldn't flap. The other wing was not bandaged in order to prevent atrophy.<p>

Suzaku had purchased more birdseed and water, so he replenished the empty dishes he had set out on the floor. He wasn't entirely sure how much an unusually small raven needed to eat, but that seemed adequate.

"There's more food," he said.

The raven turned toward Suzaku, gave the dishes of food and water what could only be described as a disparaging glance, and then turned back around again.

Suzaku smiled. "I'm afraid I don't have any rotting flesh on me," he said.

Filthy creatures. The words reverberated in Suzaku's mind. This raven did not appear filthy. He looked clean and sleek with shiny wings.

(But appearances could be misleading.)

Suzaku sighed and laid across the floor, pushing past dirty shirts and balled up pants until he uncovered his old medical textbook. There was no use trying to fall asleep since he would probably get called in within two hours, but he could still get some studying done.

Ten pages. Suzaku heard a munching noise and smiled. Apparently, even this puffed-up raven could stoop down to birdseed.

Five pages. Suzaku felt a pressure on his back and turned his head. The raven was perched on his shoulder, eyes trained on the pages as if he was actually reading the text. Suzaku smiled.

"You like anatomy?" he asked, picking the raven up and placing him on the textbook.

There were two sketches on the page: one of a man and one of a woman. They were naked and lying supine in the anatomical position, arms outstretched and palms up. Smiles were etched into their faces as if saying, "Why, yes, I do enjoy lying naked and spread eagle. It's practically a pastime of mine." The raven stared at the images.

"They look pretty silly, don't they?" Suzaku said, giving a little half-smile.

The raven responded by pecking the man in the pubic region. Suzaku might have laughed if it weren't for the phone call.

* * *

><p>Vision somewhat out of focus. Developing migraine in back of head. Slightly nauseated. Gino looked like he belonged in a Crest toothpaste commercial.<p>

"How you holding up, buddy?"

Gino asked him this question over an unconscious body. It was pretty self-explanatory that you weren't supposed to chitchat during surgeries, but the supervising doctor didn't seem to really care. Plus, this wasn't a life or death sort of thing. The man was getting his uvula removed in order to save his marriage. (Yeah, apparently his snoring was _that_bad).

Splendidly. Instead, Suzaku said, "I'm kind of considering killing myself."

Gino laughed good-naturedly. "Isn't there a Japanese way of doing that?"

"Yeah." Suzaku rubbed his left eye with a fist. "_Seppuku_. But I need a sword for that."

Gino handed him a scalpel.

* * *

><p>Suzaku wondered if itchiness was a side effect of sleep deprivation. Every inch of his skin prickled – his hands, his legs, the backs of his eyelids. He was afraid if he started scratching, then he would get down to his bones.<p>

He returned, of course. Eventually. He was not exactly sure if it was morning or night because the walk back had been a haze. When Suzaku opened the door, he thought he was seeing things.

The raven was sitting on the floor, waiting for him. Like a dog.

"Um," Suzaku said.

He did not start panting or wagging his feathers – that would have been too much. But he did take a few steps closer to him.

"Hi," Suzaku said, feeling slightly uneasy.

The raven cocked his head to the side and hobbled closer, so he was right in front of Suzaku. Then, he proceeded to rub against Suzaku's leg. Like a cat. The raven rubbed and rubbed, his beak opening and closing, his small black eyes filled with…affection? Suzaku couldn't help it: he laughed.

He laughed long and hard, and it sounded a little hysterical to his ears. The raven stopped rubbing, staring up at Suzaku with questioning eyes.

"I've…just had a long day," Suzaku said.

If Suzaku were in his right mind, he probably would have been more than a little worried that he was explaining himself to a bird. But he was not. He felt foggy, disconnected.

The raven was still staring at him, and Suzaku crouched down and picked him up. The bird did not resist. He was pliant and relaxed, continuing to give Suzaku a weird, fond look.

"You're a little strange," Suzaku said, shaking his head.

Surprisingly enough, Suzaku did not receive a call. He sat with the bird in his lap and watched the news (he learned it was morning), stroking the raven's wings as a fire engulfed a neighborhood. He could hear the crackling as the reporter talked.

Suzaku could feel his eyelids and head drooping, but he tried to stay awake. (One time he fell asleep and missed a call, and he was _chewed_out). It was while he was failing in this endeavor that he felt something soft caressing his cheek.

Suzaku's eyes snapped open. The raven was stroking his cheek with his uninjured wing. Suzaku laughed tiredly.

"You're like a mother hen," he murmured.

The raven continued to stroke. It was a relaxing motion, a soothing motion, and Suzaku closed his eyes, beginning to drift off again.

The feathers were so, so soft. It wasn't natural. Birds wings were supposed to be rather stiff, but this felt like down, like a pillow. So, so soft. The skin was warm, and Suzaku leaned into the palm. The fingers traced his cheekbones and ran down his chin. One passed down the slope of his nose, moved down to his Cupid's bow, down to his mouth. It prodded his lips apart and slipped inside…

Suzaku's eyes shocked open. The raven's wing was on his mouth, and the bird was studying his expression.

No. Suzaku shook his head. The bird was _not_studying his expression. Why? Because he was a bird. Suzaku was just going insane.

That was all.

* * *

><p>Gino handed him the wrong assignments again. Suzaku was not entirely sure why Gino was responsible for giving him his assignments in the first place, but he figured it had something to do with his one-year seniority.<p>

Suzaku attended a lecture and looked at diseases on microscope slides before doing his rounds. Ran into Kallen. ("Tell Gino to stop mixing up the patients' files. I'm tired of covering for him.") Ran into Gino. ("Tell Kallen she's the apple of my eye!")

Next patient was Bentley Worthington. Middle age. Had hemorrhagic hemorrhoids. Nice. Especially with the added alliterative appeal. Suzaku opened the door.

"Goddamnit, Gino. Hah…ah…"

Needless to say, Suzaku was not greeted to the sight of a man with hemorrhagic hemorrhoids.

They didn't seem to notice he was there, continuing to suck off each other's faces, clothes half-off, minds half-on. Kallen's scrubs were blotted with blood, but Gino did not seem to mind, running his hands up and down her sides. She was moaning, one hand twisting the stethoscope around his neck, the other pulling at his braids.

Beside the bed, the heart monitor was on, and it was flatlining. Gino pushed Kallen against a table, and silver medical instruments fell and scattered. They did not stop. Did not even think to stop. Gino began to pull down her blood-spattered scrubs, and she let him.

Suzaku felt a pang of something and shut the door.

* * *

><p>When no one was watching, Suzaku sat down in a corner and put his head between his knees.<p>

"Are you feeling alright?"

"No," Suzaku snapped at his groin. "I feel like shit."

Suzaku's head whipped up when he heard the sharp intake of breath, and shit shit fuck fuck because standing before him was Euphemia, who was wearing the most apologetic expression known to mankind.

"I'm so sorry!" Suzaku spluttered. "I wasn't thinking! I just…" Suzaku trailed off. I just what? I just thought you were Gino for some inexplicable reason, but, if I'd known it was you, then I wouldn't have been a complete douchebag?

God, she had to think he was the _biggest_jerk.

But, for some inexplicable reason, Euphemia smiled at the biggest jerk, took a seat beside him, and said, "It's fine, Suzaku. I appreciate forthrightness."

Even in his embarrassment, Suzaku couldn't help but smile back. Her smiles were beautiful and contagious, lovely and genuine. Suzaku had seen her draw grins from even the sickest invalids, and he understood why.

"Aaah!"

Suzaku reluctantly broke eye contact with Euphemia to see an orange-haired nurse had fallen on her bottom, dropping a plethora of files in the process. Suzaku and Euphemia both stood up to help.

"No, I'll help Shirley," Euphemia said, holding out a hand when Suzaku started to walk toward the nurse who was currently scrabbling through the files. "You need to get back to — "

"Being in the fetal position?" Suzaku offered.

Euphemia giggled, and it sounded like bells. "You actually need to be lying on your side for it to be considered that," she said, her smile widening. "I'll see you around, Suzaku."

Consequentially, Suzaku's smile also widened. "Bye, Euphemia."

She shook her head, and her pink hair bounced against her shoulders. "Just Euphie," she said.

Euphie. It fit her. Suzaku watched as Euphie helped pick up files. She smiled brightly as she sorted through the mess and even said something to make the other nurse laugh.

There was a spring in Suzaku's step as he walked away.

* * *

><p>Suzaku told the raven all about her.<p>

"She's sweet," Suzaku said. "And kind. And beautiful."

The bird was seated on a cushion, completely motionless as Suzaku gushed. He did not act affectionately toward Suzaku like before, but Suzaku was too caught up in his enthusiasm to notice.

"She has inner and outer beauty."

The raven opened and closed his beak.

"I mean…she's just _perfect_."

The raven squawked, and _that_took Suzaku aback. In all the time Suzaku had known bird, he had not made a single sound. When the cat cornered and mocked him, he was noiseless. When Suzaku bandaged his wing, he was as silent as the grave — not even a twitter. Whenever he greeted Suzaku, it was an inaudible welcome with open wings but no chirping, cheeping, tweeting, or chirruping. None of that.

The squawk was guttural, raucous, a harsh, discordant noise. It unnerved Suzaku. Whenever he thought of birds, he thought of their songs, their sweet melodies, but this sounded like a reproach or command.

_Filthy creatures.  
><em>  
>Suzaku shivered and shook the words from his head, extending his hand. "Hey," he said.<p>

The raven bit him.

For a moment, Suzaku was paralyzed with disbelief, watching with incredulity as red bubbled and flowed from his index finger. It trickled down his palm, down his wrist, following veins and lines. The raven's beak was crimson.

_Filthy creatures.  
><em>  
>No. Suzaku's eyebrows furrowed, and he glared at the bird. The raven met his gaze levelly.<p>

"Don't do that again," Suzaku said, voice soft yet firm.

The raven raised his beak in haughty defiance.

"Okay?" Even softer, less firm.

The raven lowered his beak. He stared at Suzaku, expression inscrutable.

"Okay?"

Slowly, gradually, the raven lifted a talon. It remained in the air for a long while, and the bird's bright, black eyes were locked with Suzaku's.

And, when he lowered it, Suzaku knew a contract had been sealed.

* * *

><p>F-Day. Flying Day. The raven's wing had healed properly, and Suzaku removed the bandage. The raven fluttered around his apartment a bit, but the bird required the open skies for soaring.<p>

It was time to set him free.

"You have to go now," Suzaku coaxed, but the bird stayed put. Initially, Suzaku was amused by the raven's stubbornness to stay, but it was downright aggravating now.

"C'mon," Suzaku said, nudging the bird with his hand. "You need to make other bird friends. You can't stay here with me."

The raven turned and shot him a _look_.

Suzaku couldn't help but smile. "Look," he said, "I'll miss you too, but you're better off if you go."

The raven flapped his wings, but did not fly. Suzaku frowned. The conditions were perfect. The sun had just risen, and the air was still. There was not a single cloud in the sky. No one was around.

Suzaku crouched lower and locked eyes with the bird. He placed one hand on the raven and raised his other one in the air. "You need to fly away," he whispered.

When Suzaku removed his hand, the raven flapped his wings and lifted off the pavement. Higher and higher. He was flying, past the lamppost, past the buildings. Higher and higher. He was soaring through the dawn sky, becoming a little black dot. Smaller and smaller. He was gone.

Suzaku smiled. He would miss that little bird.

Suzaku was about to go back to his apartment to get ready for another grueling day when the little black dot re-appeared. Bigger and bigger. Now a smudge coming steadily toward him. As it got closer, the shape became more defined. Feathers were outlined by the blue sky. A beak came into focus. Then eyes.

When the raven landed on Suzaku's arm, his first instinct was to push him off in frustration, but the bird began molting.

It was not normal molting, either. Feathers were shed at a frenzied pace, falling onto Suzaku's arm and drifting through the air before plunging to the pavement. Horrified, Suzaku tried to shake him off, but the raven's talons became human hands, and they latched onto his arm with a vice-like grip. Suzaku screamed, and the raven began to expand. Limbs stretched out like taffy, and the head began to inflate like a balloon.

Suzaku fell backward, and his head hit the pavement. The raven was becoming too large to hold. The feathers dissipated and morphed into skin. The eyes widened and changed colors. A nose formed out of nothing.

The creature leaned down, and the beak shrunk and smoothed into lips. The lips kissed Suzaku on the mouth, and Suzaku gasped. The lips laughed, revealing rows of white teeth.

Suzaku reached out and gripped gangly arms. He felt long legs straddling him. Violet eyes were gazing down at him, and a mouth was hovering over his face, beaming and beatific.

"I am eternally grateful, Suzaku Kururugi. Because of you, I can fly."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>I actually finished this earlier, but I accidentally deleted the document, and LJ screwed up my italics, so I had to re-edit it. :p

Thank you elarielf for reviewing, and thanks to everyone who favorited/put this on alert. The next chapter will switch back to present tense, so more questions will be answered…


	3. Bound

**Shades**

**Chapter 3: Bound**

* * *

><p>It was one of those romantic clichés, but neither of them was above it. The sky changed shades, the colors igniting into a blaze before deepening and darkening. The sun, a buttery, brilliant gold, melted into the horizon.<p>

Lelouch smiled, and Suzaku thought he looked beautiful. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes were bright, and he smiled a soft, elegant smile.

He looked like a picture, like something still and timeless. Eternal. He was nothing like the people Suzaku saw day in and day out, the people with paper-skin and gaping mouths who spent days and months and years staring at something no one else could see. Blossoming flowers, bright balloons, and children's teddy bears surrounded them, while they withered and turned gray. In the end, nothing was left of them but bed impressions and a nurse clearing out the blood bags. Their name was removed from the system, and another person took their spot. It could be someone like them or it could be a kid who got a concussion playing soccer. Either way, they were replaceable.

"Kiss me," Lelouch said.

His eyes were expectant and fixed upon Suzaku, and he placed his hand on Suzaku's knee. He smiled and rubbed circles. Suzaku stared.

"Kiss me."

Suzaku leaned over and kissed him very, very softly. From nearby, a shout rang out, and both of them stiffened.

A few minutes later, a woman jogged by, pulled along by a large, hyper dog. The dog turned in Suzaku's direction and began to bark voraciously. He looked to be on the verge of breaking free of his owner and stampeding toward them. Suzaku's eyes widened, and he held onto Lelouch protectively.

But somehow, miraculously, the woman managed to restrain her pet. She jerked the leash, and the dog skidded to a standstill. The dog panted happily as the woman gasped for air. After a few moments, the woman's breathing evened out, and she made eye contact with Suzaku. Suzaku smiled amiably. The woman raised an eyebrow before turning around and leaving.

Suzaku sighed and scratched in between Lelouch's ears. Lelouch, in turn, rubbed against his chest and purred, rising up on his haunches so he could lick Suzaku's face with his tiny, pink tongue.

That was all fine and good until Lelouch began licking _himself_.

Suzaku wrinkled his nose. "That's disgusting."

Lelouch's limbs lengthened and his fur shed, and soon he was a laughing, naked man sitting in Suzaku's lap. Even when Suzaku pushed him off, he continued to laugh.

"Put your clothes back on," Suzaku muttered, throwing a turtleneck and jeans at Lelouch. Although few people visited, this _was_a public park, and the last thing he wanted was his potential career options jeopardized because of public indecency. His father would never forgive him for that.

Lelouch's laughter subsided, but he still wore a smirk. "You don't like cats?" he asked as he fit his arms through sleeves.

Suzaku shook his head. "No," he said, "cats just don't like me." He frowned. "You know, you shouldn't really like cats, either."

"Ever hear the phrase "forgive and forget?" Lelouch asked, fastening his jeans. Before Suzaku could answer, he said, "That woman probably thought you were an extraordinarily lonely man."

Suzaku snorted. "Thanks to you. Why a cat?"

"…What?"

"Why did you decide to turn into a cat?"

Lelouch shrugged. "I felt like it."

"But…" Suzaku's eyebrows furrowed, and he bit his lip. The sky was dusky now. The sun was gone, and Lelouch was no longer bathed in light. Shadows made a patchwork of his face. "You can be anything, right?"

"Want to try me?" Suzaku could not tell if Lelouch's smile was encouraging or sinister. Maybe it was a bit of both.

And Suzaku could just imagine it. It would be as easy as opening his mouth and shouting out anything that came to mind like a little kid. A penguin! A whale! A giraffe! An elephant! A porcupine! An electric eel! A zebra! A lion! A tiger! A bear! Any and every animal he had seen on the Discovery Channel or at the zoo, and he could watch as Lelouch metamorphosed into all of his whims and impulses.

But Suzaku was a grown man, not a kid. "No," he said, looking Lelouch straight in the eye. "I'm fine."

Lelouch's expression darkened. "Do you doubt me?"

"No."

"I can be anything," Lelouch said slowly, elongating his syllables, "at any time."

Anything. Any time. That brought another question to the forefront of Suzaku's mind: if Lelouch could transform at will, then why did he not transform that one day when Suzaku found him backed against a trash can? Why did Suzaku have to rescue him? Why couldn't he have changed back into a human?

But it seemed like a stupid thing to ask, so Suzaku said nothing.

* * *

><p>Lelouch kisses the bags under his eyes. "You work too hard," he says.<p>

Suzaku laughs. "You sound like a housewife."

Lelouch smiles but says nothing. He is wearing a pink apron and wields a dough roller in one hand. There is a rich aroma leading to the kitchen, and Suzaku kicks his shoes off, eager for a home-cooked meal after eating nothing but granola bars in between his breaks.

The apartment is pristine. In a way, Suzaku feels as if he is trespassing in someone else's home. The whole place smells of lemon room freshener, and there is not a thing out of place. The previous mess of papers and textbooks is now in neat, ordered stacks with color-coded labels.

Lelouch has prepared a green salad and lasagna. It's delicious, and Suzaku takes a second helping. For dessert, there is a pan of chocolate chip cookies, and Lelouch gives him three.

"That's too many," Suzaku says, smiling. "I'll get fat."

"If that happens, I'll become overweight as well," Lelouch says. "I'll become the size of a sumo wrestler if it's for your sake."

Suzaku chuckles and eats his cookies, but, in the back of his head, he wonders why Lelouch chose the body weight he did. He's certainly thinner than average, and he doesn't look especially strong. He could have picked a more masculine body type.

But Suzaku does not regret Lelouch's aesthetic choices – especially not when he's fucking him on the table after the plates are cleared. The food was not nearly as delicious as the face Lelouch makes as he pounds into him, not nearly as delicious as his baritone voice as he moans out Suzaku's name. Lelouch fists the tablecloth and shudders as he comes, and Suzaku follows soon after.

They lay there, sticky and satiated, and Suzaku is indescribably happy.

* * *

><p>Gino notices there is a spring in his step. ("You have a new lady friend, am I right?" Suzaku smiles and shakes his head). Kallen says he's smiling too much. ("Cheer down, Kururugi." And she hands him some files, but he still can't wipe that stupid smile off his face).<p>

Euphie catches him in the hall. "You look well," she says, smiling brilliantly. "It's nice to see you so happy." And Suzaku's heart skips a beat.

The man's heart _isn__'__t_ beating.

The hospital staff is congregated around the bed, in uniform (scrubs) and weapons (scalpels) raised. The corpse is motionless and bloody. There is silence. Then, everyone begins to disperse.

Suzaku's stupid smile has vanished. His heart feels like a stone. His spirit has sunk to his knees. He can never escape this.

"It was inevitable."

He looks up to see Nina. She is not looking at him; her eyes are fixed on open space. Suzaku is uncertain whether she is addressing him or no one.

"He lost too much blood before he came. No one could have saved him," Nina continues, peeling off her gloves. "He is nothing but matter now. As soon as he died, he lost all his humanity as well." The gloves are gone. Suzaku notices her hands are very, very small. "It's pointless to dwell on the dead."

She leaves him, and Suzaku stands motionless for a moment before moving onto the next patient.

* * *

><p>The funny thing is that Lelouch seems so goddamn cheery. Suzaku doesn't understand it at all.<p>

Every day, Suzaku comes home fatigued and disheartened, and Lelouch is always smiling, ready with dinner. He kisses Suzaku on the cheek and distracts him with pleasant, monotonous anecdotes, so Suzaku does not have to talk about his day. Afterward, Lelouch spreads his or her legs, and it doesn't matter to Suzaku whether or not Lelouch thinks sex is some kind of game because the gasps and groans and moans cannot lie.

Suzaku does not see any rhyme or reason for when Lelouch switches genders. He thinks Lelouch prefers to be a man, but he never questions it. It's not because he's afraid of offending Lelouch but because he has quickly learned that asking Lelouch anything is usually a futile endeavor. An inquiry results in a retort or a counter question or a wry non sequitur or a dismissal, all accompanied with a smirk more often than not – but never a frank answer. Lelouch seems incapable of that.

Tonight, Suzaku comes home, and Lelouch is ironing shirts. He is humming along to some classical music piece, looking very content as he performs this chore. He looks up at Suzaku, and his smile broadens.

"Do you even enjoy this?" Suzaku asks.

Lelouch clicks the iron off and slips a hand under Suzaku's shirt. "I enjoy you." His eyes are narrowed, and he is smirking.

They try doing it against the ironing board, but that threatens to topple. Suzaku ends up carrying Lelouch to the bedroom with her legs hooked around his waist and her hair falling in his face. He nuzzles his face in between her breasts and slips his fingers underneath her underwear and she's moaning and—

Suzaku does not have his answer.

* * *

><p>The next day Suzaku is berated for not properly understanding a procedure.<p>

When Lelouch greets him at whatever unholy hour of the morning it is, Suzaku pushes past him and dives straight into his textbooks. He does not know how many hours pass because he never takes his eyes off the pages. He stares at anatomical models until his vision begins to swim, and that is about the time his stomach starts growling.

At first, he attempts to ignore it, but it becomes more insistent, a roar. It leads him grudgingly to the kitchen.

That is where Suzaku finds Lelouch asleep, head down on the table and snoring softly. There is a plate of food covered in saran wrap by the crook of his elbow.

Suzaku feels something in himself lurch and walks over to where Lelouch is seated. Lelouch's eyebrows are knit together. He is frowning in his sleep.

He does not look happy.

* * *

><p>"You haven't been sleeping well, have you?"<p>

Suzaku blinks fuzzily and notices that he and Euphie are in the same room, working with the same patient. Huh. She is dressed in her starched white clothing, her eyes big and beautiful and full of concern. Suzaku swallows.

"Well," Suzaku finally says, plastering a smile on his face, "I think that's one of the contractional obligations of being an intern: sleep deprivation."

Euphie does not laugh at his weak joke. She bites her lip and raises her hand. Suzaku's eyes widen. Is she going to slap him? He looks over at the patient, but the man is not paying attention. His eyes are trained on a TV screen. Jeopardy is playing.

"You need take better care of yourself, Suzaku," Euphie says, gently placing her hand on Suzaku's cheek. "You should rest more."

Her hand is warm and soft, and Suzaku almost feels like laughing. Why would he even consider Euphemia hurting him? Euphie wouldn't hurt a fly. She's perfect.

Her expression is so gentle, her eyes so thoughtful. Suzaku leans into her touch without thinking.

"I'll try."

Euphie smiles at that and retracts her hand. They gaze at each other for a moment, and then she makes a small, cheerful noise and turns back around to the patient. She speaks to the man in enthusiastic baby talk and fluffs his pillows. The man does not respond.

There is a laxative commercial playing on the TV now, but the man's expression has not changed. He watches vacantly, eyes dull and unseeing.

* * *

><p>After dinner (it's actually three o'clock in the morning, but that makes no difference), Lelouch smiles coyly and removes his spotless apron – not even a speck of marinara sauce.<p>

Suzaku stands up to put his dishes in the sink.

"Don't worry about that. I'll do that," Lelouch purrs, unbuttoning his shirt. It falls to the kitchen floor, and the pants follow soon after.

Suzaku does not move toward him.

Lelouch licks his lips and pulls his underwear down to his thighs. His gaze his sultry, and his cock is hard and flushed. "Are you going to leave me like this?" he asks, thrusting out his pelvis, his cock bobbing in front of him. "Will I have to take care of this myself?"

Suzaku nods. "Yeah," he says, "I'm thinking about calling it a night."

Lelouch's eyes widen in disbelief. "…What?"

"I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

For a moment, Lelouch continues to stare at Suzaku with complete incredulity. Then, her eyes narrow, and she steps forward and presses full, red lips against the crook of Suzaku's neck. Her breasts are full (and bigger than last time, Suzaku notes), and they press insistently against his chest.

Lelouch is wet now, not hard. She has grabbed Suzaku's hand and placed it in between her thighs; he can feel the moisture on his fingertips. God. Oh, God. He's beginning to harden.

"You wouldn't give this up," Lelouch whispers, and it's not a question. She begins to nibble his earlobe, and he shudders and—

No.

Suzaku pushes her back. It isn't a particularly forceful shove, but it's not soft either. He glares at her.

"I'm serious," he snaps. "I'm going to sleep."

And he does just that. He leaves Lelouch naked in the kitchen and crawls into bed, pushing thoughts of Lelouch desperately fingering herself or jerking himself off out of his mind because that's not what's important.

What's important is rest.

* * *

><p>When Suzaku opens his eyes, Lelouch is already wide-awake. He must have crept into bed while Suzaku was asleep, and Suzaku can't help but smile fondly at the way Lelouch is cocooned in the sheets – until he registers the look on his face.<p>

Lelouch's eyes are very, very wide, almost childlike in appearance, and he is clenching the comforter with balled up fists. It's as if he is looking through Suzaku, not at him, and Suzaku feels a shiver run up his spine. It's disconcerting.

"Lelouch?"

He twists the sheets. Doesn't blink, doesn't breathe.

"Are…are you okay? Suzaku reaches out and taps one of Lelouch's balled up hands. Lelouch gasps and blinks, and then he finally _sees_Suzaku. Lelouch's eyes narrow. A smirk crawls up his face.

"Isn't it time for your morning walk?"

_What?_ Lelouch cocks his head to the side. Oh. Right.

"Yeah," Suzaku says, feeling mildly disturbed. "I should do that before I go."

Suzaku looks at the alarm clock on the bedside table. 5:00 A.M.

Only two hours of respite.

* * *

><p>Twenty hours straight.<p>

By the end, even Gino isn't smiling.

* * *

><p>But, strangely, Suzaku doesn't feel tired. Instead, he feels jittery and on edge. His left eye is twitching, and he feels something like a migraine forming in his head.<p>

When Lelouch greets him, he places one hand on Suzaku's shoulder and uses the other to push his damp curls off his sweaty forehead.

"You need to relax."

Suzaku grunts in response. Lelouch places his hands on either side of his face.

"I'll help you relax," Lelouch whispers.

He looks completely sincere, and Suzaku sighs. He knows he has been neglecting Lelouch lately. This is only fair. But when he begins to unbutton Lelouch's shirt, his hands are slapped away.

Lelouch shakes his head. "No, there's…something else I want to try," he says. "I read about it."

Suzaku frowns. "Where?"

Lelouch (unsurprisingly) smirks and raises an eyebrow. "Are you afraid?" he asks, tone treading a fine line between teasing and derisive. "Do you think I'm going to hurt you?"

"No, I…" Suzaku sighs again. "What do you want me to do?"

"Follow me."

Suzaku follows Lelouch into their bedroom and watches as he locks the door with a resounding click. Lelouch turns back around and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Get undressed."

Suzaku raises an eyebrow.

Lelouch rolls his eyes. "It isn't what you think. Just do it."

So, Suzaku strips, and Lelouch watches him. He used to feel self-conscious about the way Lelouch would scrutinize his body when he removed his clothing, but he is used to it by now. He is used to the way Lelouch's eyes light up and trail lower, lower, lower…

"Now what?"

But Lelouch does not answer. He moves toward Suzaku and places both hands on his pectorals. Suzaku lets in a sharp intake of breath, but Lelouch does not notice. He is completely honed in. His hands move down to the abdominals, and they tremble underneath his touch.

"Beautiful," Lelouch breathes. He removes his hands, but he does not remove his gaze from Suzaku's body. "Now lay face down on the bed."

"…W-what?"

_Now_Lelouch looks up. "Lay on the bed stomach down."

Suzaku's eyes widen. "Are…" Lelouch's stare is piercing; Suzaku clears his throat. "Um…are you going to _fuck_ me?" Honestly, Suzaku isn't sure how he feels about that.

Lelouch's eyes also widen – but only for a split second. Then, they inevitably taper, and Lelouch inevitably smirks. "Is your mind always in the gutter?"

Suzaku relaxes, smiles, and heaves an internal sigh of relief. "Are you always calling the kettle black?"

"Touché. Now do it."

Suzaku does as bade, burying his face in a pillow. He hears the bed creak as Lelouch climbs on, and, for the longest time, it is silent.

Then, there is a wet noise, and Suzaku's eyes snap wide open because Lelouch lied. Lelouch plans on fucking him. The wet noise persists, and Suzaku clenches his eyes shut and braces himself. Lelouch's hands are on his ass. On his back. On his shoulders. Rubbing.

What.

"Have you ever had a massage before?" Lelouch asks as he kneads sore muscles with oil-slick fingers.

Suzaku's only response is a moan.

No, he has never had a massage. Never had the time. Massages are a luxury that does not pertain to someone like him. Massages belong to smiling faces that aren't developing premature worry lines or bags under their eyes.

It feels so damn good. Lelouch has magic fingers that loosen every ache, every pain. Suzaku feels as if he's shedding a second skin. All the tightness inside of him is being released. He is being cleansed.

Lelouch continues to talk to him, but Suzaku does not hear his words. He does not know if he's soothing him or mocking him or both. All Suzaku cares about are those hands kneading deep into his skin, and he moans and groans and begs for more.

"You're very loud," Lelouch says, his fingers working, Suzaku groaning. "Louder than when you fuck me."

There is an edge of malice in those words, and Suzaku registers it through the haze of pleasure. He tenses, and Lelouch rubs harder. It's beginning to hurt. His skin feels like it's burning.

"Lelouch…"

Hands still. Quiet breathing from up above. Suzaku attempts to rise, but Lelouch restrains him, presses a hand down on the small of his back. Suzaku could easily break free, but he waits instead.

"Close your eyes."

The command leaves no room for argument. Suzaku shuts his eyes, and continues to listen to the sound of Lelouch breathing over him.

The hands that cover Suzaku's eyes are soft and small, certainly not the hands of man. He feels a smooth leg run over the back of his thigh and deduces Lelouch is currently a woman.

"Guess who I am," Lelouch breathes, voice octaves higher.

Suzaku frowns. "What?"

"I'm someone right now. Guess who."

"…I don't know."

"Just guess."

Suzaku's frown deepens. "Are you a celebrity?"

"No."

"Um…do I know you personally?"

"Yes."

Suzaku thinks, tries to recall these soft hands and smooth legs, but he comes up blank. "Can you give me more specific answers?"

"No."

And suddenly Suzaku is tired. He is so tired of all this. He's not going to humor Lelouch. Not going to play fucking twenty questions with him. Fuck that. "I don't know," he mutters. "I give up."

Lelouch rises, and Suzaku immediately whirls around, but it's no use. Lelouch is the same as before: black hair, violet eyes, long limbs, and a snide expression.

"Who were you?" Suzaku asks even though it's goddamn pointless.

"I can't tell you that," Lelouch replies, completely deadpan. "You lost."

Suzaku wants to laugh. When does he ever win?

* * *

><p>After watching a demonstration involving a cadaver, Suzaku and the other residents are handed a stack of files and told to give each patient a prognosis. It's a typical day.<p>

When he gets on an elevator, Euphie is the only one inside. She smiles at him. Suzaku smiles back.

"Have you been sleeping well?" Euphie asks. Her eyes are so bright and innocent and happy that Suzaku can't help but feel happy himself.

"Better," Suzaku lies. "At least I don't think you'll see me curled up on the floor ever again."

Euphie giggles. "That's good."

The elevator dings, and the doors open; it's Suzaku's floor.

"I'll see you around, Euphie," he says, turning and –

"Wait."

Suzaku whirls back around to see Euphie, eyes wide, clutching his arm with both of her soft, small hands. Her expression is a strange mixture of earnest and embarrassed.

"Suzaku, I...I wanted to ask you something."

If Lelouch had said the same thing, Suzaku would have replied with, "Shoot." But Euphie is delicate, and Suzaku is concerned. He does not like seeing her pretty face twisted in distress, so he waits patiently. He tries to say, "you can ask me anything" with his face.

Then, "I was wondering if we could go out some time."

Euphie's eyes are determined, and her hands are still clutching his arm. The elevator doors stay open, and someone is groaning in agony from afar. Suzaku's jaw is slack, and he dumbly blurts out, "What?"

Euphie removes her hands. "Nothing…extravagant. Just for coffee." Suzaku continues to stare. Euphie bites her lip. "I understand you're extremely busy. If you don't have the time, then I completely under—"

"No!" Suzaku exclaims cutting her off. "It's not that. It's just…" And now he is the one at a loss for words.

This is a date. Euphemia is asking him out on a date. He never thought that was within the realm of possibility, and now he is standing here like an idiot, slack jawed and—

(Suzaku sees narrowed, violet eyes in his mind's eye.)

"I can't."

Euphie's eyes widen. "…You can't?"

"Yeah." Suzaku sighs and slumps his shoulders. "I'm sorry, but—"

"There's someone else?"

Euphie's smile is cheerless. Suzaku feels his heart throb. "I'm sorry," he says again. "I'm sorry."

He moves toward her. He does not know why, but he does, saying "I'm sorry" again like a broken record. They are both in the elevator, doors open wide. Someone moans in pain again. Maybe it's the same person, maybe not. Euphie continues to smile, but she's trembling now, and God, don't cry don't cry.

And then Suzaku is being pushed up against a wall, and elevator buttons are digging into his back. The doors click shut.

Euphie is staring up at him with wide, probing eyes, and her soft, small hands have a vice-like grip on both of his wrists. "I don't care," she whispers.

The elevator dings. Suzaku's eyes widen. He swallows, feels his Adam's apple bob up and down. "…What?"

"I don't care," she whispers again. "If you don't tell, then I won't." Euphie moves in closer; her pink lips are centimeters away from Suzaku's ear. "She doesn't need to know."

Suzaku's mouth opens, but no words come out. The elevator is moving up, up, up, and the doors could open at any moment, but Euphie does not seem to care. She licks the shell of Suzaku's ear and giggles the same way she does when a patient tells her a joke regardless of whether it's funny or not.

Then, those pretty, pink lips latch onto his neck, and she bites down hard. Suzaku gasps but makes no move to stop her. When she pulls back, his skin is red and glistening with saliva, and he can feel a bruise forming.

Euphemia the nurse just gave him a hickey.

This whole situation cannot get any more ludicrous. Suzaku does not even know how to react anymore. Euphie bites down on a different place, and she pulls away with shining lips.

Suzaku shivers and thinks he should probably push her away. This is not the Euphie he knows. She is not in her right mind. She is delirious. That is the only explanation, he thinks, as she gazes up at him with her big, bright eyes…

…with her hand on his groin.

"Suzaku," she breathes, her hand rubbing circles, "I want your cock inside of me."

Suzaku immediately jerks back, and his blood runs cold when he sees the expression on Euphie's face: one eyebrow raised, narrowed eyes, lips twisted into a smirk…

"…Lelouch."

"The one and only."

The nurse's outfit is ill fitting on Lelouch's gangly body. The skirt only serves to highlight his matchstick legs, and the top drapes forward due to his flat chest. He looks completely ridiculous, and he is grinning like a madman.

Suzaku feels like he should be more surprised than he is, but he isn't. He glares at Lelouch, and Lelouch continues to smile.

"You bastard," Suzaku grinds out between clenched teeth.

"Oh?" Lelouch's eyebrow manages to rise higher. "You want me to change back?"

"No," Suzaku snaps. "I don't."

The elevator suddenly dings, and Suzaku freezes. The word "shit" is a mantra in his mind as the doors begin to open. But Lelouch is unfazed. He reaches behind Suzaku and pushes a button. The doors snap shut.

"Are you sure?" Lelouch asks in a tone that is inappropriately conversational considering his finger is the only thing keeping people from seeing…_this_. "Her breasts were quite…supple." He runs a hand down his flat chest, down his stupid looking draping top, and his eyes are shining with mirth.

And something in Suzaku snaps.

He pushes Lelouch against the opposite wall just as Lelouch pushes a button. Their faces are inches apart, and Suzaku is breathing hard, glowering, his fist drawn back.

Lelouch kisses him.

It's a hard kiss. No softness. Suzaku kisses back angrily, hoping Lelouch will get the message that he is pissed and doesn't want to deal with his bullshit, and Lelouch kisses him again and again and—

Yeah, okay, kissing him is probably the most asinine way to communicate that.

Suzaku pushes him back again, and Lelouch smiles with red, swollen, wet lips and says, "We have a countdown."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Down to ten floors," Lelouch murmurs, beginning to unbuckle Suzaku's pants. "You need to be quick."

"Fuck you," Suzaku hisses. He's hard. Damnit.

"Yes," Lelouch says, smiling with teeth, "that _is_ your job." Suzaku's pants fall. Seconds later his boxers are down to his knees.

Suzaku does not know why he does it. He does not know why he picks Lelouch up and presses him against the wall. He does not know why he hikes up that stupid starched skirt and yanks those lacy panties ("Are you _kidding_me?" Lelouch merely smiles) down to his calves. He does not know why he pulls out that damn buttplug Lelouch shoved inside of himself, and he certainly does not know why he angles his hips and thrusts inside.

"_Ah!__" _Lelouch gasps.

9…8…7…

Suzaku slams in and out, teeth clenched and fingers clenching Lelouch's hips. Lelouch is (finally) no longer smiling. His mouth is open and moaning, and his fingers scratch at the metallic walls. Suzaku muffles his grunts into a pale shoulder and—

…6…5…4…

—he never touches Lelouch's cock. It is fully erect and leaking, but Suzaku isn't going to give him the satisfaction. No way. But Lelouch doesn't jerk himself off. Instead, he gazes at Suzaku with half-hooded eyes and pretends at some semblance of a smile.

"I wish this elevator had…_ah__…_music. That would certainly add to the ambiance."

"Shut up," Suzaku grunts. He wishes he could slap a hand over Lelouch's mouth but—

…3…2…

—he needs something to hold onto as he comes inside, his hips jerking in shallow thrusts as his entire body shudders.

The elevator dings. Suzaku's eyes widen.

* * *

><p>"Kururugi," the middle-aged nurse spits, "if I catch you slacking off one more time, then I <em>will <em>report you to your superiors. Do you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," Suzaku murmurs, shoulders hunched, head hung shamefacedly.

"What do you think would happen if all the other residents acted like you do? Do you think anything would get done?"

Suzaku shakes his head. "No, ma'am."

"Will I ever catch you napping again?"

Suzaku shakes his head vehemently. "No, ma'am. Never again."

"I hope not."

The nurse waddles out of the elevator, pulling her upturned skirt down and patting at her hair. Gino joins Suzaku inside and shoots him a sympathetic smile.

Gino pushes a button. Tenth floor. The elevator dings. Suzaku flattens out his rumpled clothes and tries not to look down.

"Hard day?" Gino asks.

Suzaku nods. "The worst."

* * *

><p>Lelouch is sitting in a chair, reading a magazine on interior design. <em>Fucking <em>interior design.

Suzaku rips it out of his hands, and Lelouch glances up, unimpressed, as if he considers Suzaku to be a mildly obnoxious child

"You fucker," Suzaku says.

"I believe," Lelouch says, a smirk crawling up his face, "that it's the other way around."

Suzaku isn't in the mood for wordplay. Not tonight. "Why did you do it?" he demands.

He expects Lelouch to answer with "Why did I do what?" but, instead, Lelouch's smirk suddenly drops. His eyes harden. He gazes at Suzaku with complete and utter disdain.

"You're a hypocrite."

Suzaku's eyebrows shoot up. "What?"

"You're not hard of hearing." Lelouch is sneering now. "You're blaming me for something you completely consented to. I never heard you complaining while you fu—

Suzaku puts his hand up, and Lelouch shuts his mouth. "That's not it. You're trying to…"

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'divert.'"

"Yeah," Suzaku says, eyebrows furrowed, "you're trying to…divert from the real problem. Why did you change into Euphie?"

Lelouch crosses his arms over his chest. "I'm not capable of changing into other people. I merely took on her appearance."

"Yeah, okay, we can argue the semantics of it all night long. Why did you take on her appearance?"

For a moment, Lelouch is silent, lips pursed. He stares at the magazine Suzaku has balled up in his hand. "…I was bored."

Suzaku's eyes narrow. "Answer me seriously."

And _now _Lelouch smiles, but there is something incredibly wrong with it. It lacks his egotism and conceit, his arrogance and pride. "Oh," he says softly, "but I am."

"You honestly thought I would be okay with—"

"I thought you would be more than okay," Lelouch says, cutting him off, amiss-smile still in place. "I thought you would _love_ it. You _want_ Euphemia. What more could you ask for?"

Suzaku feels as if something is lodged down his throat, and his next words are choked out. "No, I—"

"No," Lelouch says quietly, so quietly, "you don't. You just say her name in your sleep."

Something moves in Suzaku's chest, and suddenly everything is clicking, like a jigsaw puzzle, like connect-the-dots. "It's not like she—"

"And she wants you too, Suzaku," Lelouch continues, voice intense. "She told me herself. She giggled and said, 'Do you want to hear a secret, Shirley?' And I flat out laughed when she told me she had a crush on the sweet, shy Japanese intern."

And now Suzaku _truly _gets it. Lelouch is smiling that strange, little smile, and Suzaku understands what's behind it. It's so damn obvious it's almost sickening.

"Are…" Suzaku trails off and looks to the side. "…are you honestly blaming me?"

"Of course I am," Lelouch says. "You can stop this at any time." Suzaku looks up, and Lelouch stares him straight in the eye.

"It's your own fault you're miserable."

* * *

><p>In a way, Suzaku almost feels like regressing back to a three-year-old state: throwing a tantrum and yelling at Lelouch until his voice grows hoarse and his mind becomes dizzy and he can't even remember what he has been crying about.<p>

Instead, Suzaku does the mature thing and leaves. He goes on a nighttime walk. It is nothing like his morning walks, save the coldness. His hands and the tip of his nose grow numb, but the freezing temperature distracts his thoughts. It's nice. Not having to think.

But, eventually, he returns. He blows on his hands to warm them and goes to his bedroom.

All the lights are off.

"Lelouch?"

The lights flicker on. There is Lelouch on his bed, body in the supine position, naked and bathed in a warm glow. Her hair falls like a blanket on her breasts, and she smiles when she sees Suzaku.

Her body is covered with rope.

It twines around her arms, legs, and abdomen. It is thick and coiled like a snake and winds around her form like candy cane stripes. Suzaku stays frozen in place. He does not remember ever having rope, but he gives Lelouch money for groceries and furniture so—

"Punish me."

Lelouch's voice is sultry; her lips are swollen and ruby-red. It looks like she is wearing lipstick, but Suzaku knows she is not.

"What are you doing? Suzaku asks, deadpan and straight-faced."

"I was wrong," Lelouch replies, smile widening. "Everything I did was wrong. Punish me."

"Stop it," Suzaku whispers.

"I deserve to be punished."

"Stop it," Suzaku whispers, but he moves toward her. She cannot open her arms or legs toward him since she is bound, but she smiles encouragingly. Suzaku keeps his expression inscrutable when he approaches the bed, hands raised.

"_Yes_," Lelouch hisses.

"No," Suzaku says, and he gets to work untying the rope. Lelouch's eyes widen, and it takes Suzaku a moment to notice that the ends of her hair are turning pink.

"Stop it!" There is emotion in his voice this time, and he yanks her hair. In a split second it is black once more, and Lelouch is laughing. The laughs turn into shrieks. The shrieks turn hysterical.

Suzaku runs out of the room.

* * *

><p>He lies on the couch, hugging a pillow. An hour or so later, he feels a thump beside him.<p>

The body snuggles against his back, and Suzaku can tell that Lelouch has changed back into a man again. Still, something seems off somehow. Lelouch's skin feels odd, bumpy. Suzaku tries to ignore it.

But he cannot ignore it when it is continually rubbing up against him. The surface is rough and uneven, like sandpaper. Suzaku flicks on a lamp…

...to see that Lelouch's arms and legs and abdomen are covered in red welts. The rope left them. That is plain to see. But that thought does nothing to abate the awful taste in Suzaku's mouth.

_Anything. __Any__time._ Lelouch can be anything his heart desires. He can slip out of rope he binds himself in. He can change his appearance in any way he wishes.

So why—

Even when Suzaku closes his eyes, he sees the welts, raised like red tribal bands, crimson against pale skin.

He sleeps fitfully that night.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Sorry I took so long to update this. ^^;; RL-wise, I was distracted by college and cross-country. Fanfiction-wise, I was distracted by lesbians...and hamburgers. I would love to have opinions on this chapter. Concrit/feedback is always appreciated. Thanks!


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